New year, new me?
I always love when a new year approaches or birthdays because it forces me to pontificate on the last year from the lens of living it (like this post or this one). Time is a funny thing. When you’re going through the painful times it feels like it’s not moving at all, when you’re going through the fun times it’s zipping by. I sure do wish we could flip that & live longest in the happiest moments. This year has been slow & fast all at once I’ve taken a few notes along the way and this is How I plan to live the next years:
In the moment
As time is turning I watch as my kid’s legs are lengthening, they're asking me to buy them deodorant, their personalities are solidifying & it just seems like yesterday that they were tucked against my breast as I pushed in their squishy nose while they nursed. Where has the time gone? It seems to have vanished. I realized at a very young age, (I was 11 when one of my best friends died of cancer & I was put on a plane (by myself) to attend her funeral) & through the last few years where my family has been ravaged by cancer & close calls, that life is short.
Life is so fucking short.
We’re not even given tomorrow. Unfortunately, many moments of the last few years have been lost to me. I’ve been lost in grief over the loss of a friendship, lost in frustration or worry about financial circumstances, drowning in the midst of yet again another identity, moments that I simply can’t get back. I hate those downtimes. I hate how much time gets lost in the minutia of worrying, I also realize that many of those low moments were also worth it because the bad days give experience & lessons, which are valuable.
From here on out I choose to live in the moment by savoring the flavor of food on my tongue, relishing in the feel of my lover beside me each night, letting the sand on the beach run through my fingers, singing Imagine Dragons with my son or dancing my heart out to Olivia Rodrigo with my daughter. Allowing myself to settle into that hug from a family member because who knows when I’ll get one again.
Trusting my gut
My gut does not lie. Oh, but I do try to convince it otherwise & guess what? I. ALWAYS. GET. BURNED.
With Dance Parties
I enjoy friendships that are deep. I love to get down to the core of a person. Anyone who has ever been friends with me or talked to me for a long period of time will know this about me. I also love to have fun. I love to have a drink & have dance parties. I love people that can cry with me & dance through life with me. I have searched far & wide and these people are hard to find but I’m happy that I’ve found a few on my journey through life. I’ve realized that I don’t need a lot of friends, I used to think that more friends meant I was better loved, or something vain like that. Now, I’m just fine with a handful that I know well & can trust with my whole heart.
